You know, for the past 3 years or so, my husband and I have tried to have a child. Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Now, to get this lovely diagnosis, it takes a good year, multiple doctor visits and a ton of lab work. The entire time while you are doing this you are going through an emotional roller coaster of am I pregnant or not? So, I do not ovulate when I am supposed to and I have higher levels of hormones and a few other things that completely suck. I was put on metformin to try and regulate it and when that did not do the job I did 6 rounds of clomid. As of today, I still have no baby. My next step if I want to try the medical route, is IVF. I can not afford IVF. It is pricey and I am not going to do that. I wish I could afford it but I can not. I was put back on birth control to help me have a regular period but that has made me the spawn of satan and given me super bitch syndrome lately. So..this brings you full circle.
Now, I am having normal periods again thanks to birth control. My buddy, my pal. My husband and I have decided to stop taking it and that we will leave it up to God and whatever else is in place at this point. If my periods decide to go MIA once again, which before they did. They would come once every few months for a day or so and run away again. If I get pregnant I do, if I don't, I don't.
You know, you spend your entire life trying to not get pregnant and not have something only to when you want it, you can not have it. I see people every day with children who do not appreciate them, take care of them and I would give anything for that. I know I could adopt, but here in the ole USA, that is super $$$$. I would have to go outside the US for that. I want a child of my own. I know that is selfish but I do. A few bloggers have went through what I am going through. They went through the stress of trying but now, they have their babies. I am stuck here with nothing. I get tired of hearing the just keep trying, stop stressing, your trying to hard, you need to try this, etc...etc..etc. No one knows how emotionally draining it can be to want a child and your body is like nope, I can't do this. This is the one thing I am supposed to be able to do and I can't. As a woman, I am supposed to be able to make a baby and I am unable to. I am defective. That is a big hit to my ego and my self esteem. It is so hard when everyone around me is having children and I am the only one not. I just do not know what to do sometimes.
I am hoping that at some point we are blessed with a child but I do not want to get my hopes up. All I can say is pray for us and hope that we will have good news one day.