Thursday, January 7, 2016

TTC Update #8

I haven't done a TTC update in awhile and figured it was about time to do one. I hate how I am already up to #8. I never thought or would of imagined how long and emotional this journey was going to be.  

I have finished one round of Clomid 50 mg. I took it back in the beginning of December. I had to wait 21-23 days from that and get some blood work done. I went last week and had my blood drawn and found out on Monday that I still have a very low progestogen level. I go today to see my doctor and go over the results. I believe I will be upping the dosage of the Clomid to 100mg. I am really praying to God on this one that my levels get better.

I am really starting to get to the I am over this stage. I am so tired of trying and trying and not getting the results I want. When this entire journey started, I was very naive in thinking that it would happen quickly. No one in my family has PCOS. I am the only one. I don't know why I have it but I do. I want to blame birth control for it but I know that is not why. Both of my sisters have children and have no issues getting pregnant. Me on the other hand, get to have a long struggle with it. Is it fair? Nope. Do I get mad and angry at myself? Of course. I blame myself so much. I feel inadequate as a woman. Not being able to provide a child to my husband, for our family, kills me inside.
It is so hard to not think about the entire process, the struggle, the emotions and to just let it go and be what it is. I am not sure I am ready to give up just yet. I know everyone says just give it time and it will happen. Well guess what? After a year and half, it hasn't happened and at this point I feel like it will never happen. My hope is slowly going away. 
I go to the doctor this afternoon and plan on telling her how I feel and how this roller coaster of emotions is tearing me down. I am not really sure what or where I want to go from here but I am tired of being upset all the time and I want to be happy again. 

All I ask if for everyone to keep me and my husband in your prayers. We could use all the prayers in the world and I pray God blesses us and answers our prayers.

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