Today is one of those days where I am sad, depressed and I want to cry every chance I get. Trying to get pregnant should not be this difficult.We have been trying for 15 months. That is a little over a year. That is multiple doctor visits, lots of sex, blood work, only a few periods and a ton of tears shed. I never thought I would be that person that would struggle to have a child. My entire family, looks at a man..BAM...pregnant. Me, nope. I was excited when we started this journey. I was nervous and happy and so ready for everything. I couldn't contain my joy. After this first few months I was still excited but nervous. Now, I am defeated and broken.
I see so many pregnancy post on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I want to be able to post one and say the same thing. But I can't. My body just won't work. I go month after month, hoping, praying and wishing it would happen. It never does. Month after month goes by and I am still not pregnant. I keep getting told to be patient, don't stress over it, just have fun. It is not that east to do those things. It is not that easy to let go and not worry if you are able to produce a child and make a life. I can't not stress about it. I can't just forget about it. I can't act like I am not envious of others when I find out they are having a child. At this point, I try to be supportive of friends. I want to be there when they are on this amazing journey. It is hard and hurts some but it is not their fault I can't get pregnant. I want to be a good friend and be there. I am still allowed to hurt and feel pain though.
When we first started trying, I made secret Pinterest boards of baby stuff, announcement ideas, party ideas and baby room decor. When I had started, I thought those boards would become un-secret quickly. I rarely get on Pinterest now because I don't want to see the boards. I don't want to keep getting my hopes up month after month. I was hoping when we started trying, I would be pregnant by Christmas. Of course that didn't happen. Now, another Christmas is coming and we are still not pregnant.
My husband is amazing. He is there for me through all of this. He knows it hurts me and he deals with all of my crying and fits. I don't know if I could have done this without his support and caring. I know this affects him just as much as it does me. This is not just my journey, it is his too. He is just as much as a part of it as I am. He is hurting just as I am. We both want something we can't have yet.
I think one of the hardest parts is when I see people having kid after kid and they can not take care of them selves. I see some parents who don't want their kids. They want to be out partying and not being a parent. I would give anything to be a parent. I would make the child's life above my own. I want to be able to provide and give a child all the love in the world.
Not every day is struggle. Not every day is hard. Not every day sucks. Not every day is good. Not every day is happy. I have my ups and downs. I have moments where it doesn't bother me. I have moments where it kills me and tears me up inside. I have also had to make myself understand that some of the people who are pregnant now, went through the same journey as I am. They went through all the pain, tears, and sadness that I have.
One day, I hope I am able to post a happy post regarding this. I hope I am able to say that I am pregnant and that I am thrilled. I don't know when that day will come but I hope it does. I can not give up hope.