Wednesday, July 1, 2015


Last night I had an amazing dream. I had a little girl and life was amazing. Then fast forward to 6:00 a.m. and I wake up and realize it was all a dream. That is like a punch in the gut. We have been TTC for a year now. I thought this was going to be a easy thing to accomplish. I thought that just stopping my birth control and within a few months I would be pregnant. Nope. Not the case. I have tried so much stuff. I have counted days, download apps and use them, used fertility strips and even took my BBT. 

My last regular cycle was in February. Since then I have only had one and it was due to a pill I was put on to get it back. I got some lab work done then and it all came back fine. I sit in my car after all of that and just cried. I even cried when they took my blood because of how frustrated I am getting. I am going through the same thing again. Once my cycle decides show up this time, I get to go have a ton of testing done to see if I have PCOS. PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It affects hormone levels, periods and ovulation. It does not mean I can't get pregnant, but it will take more work and time. 

I am at the point of giving up though. This should not be that hard. I get so mad when I see people who already have 4-5 kids and they keep having more and sometimes they don't want them. I would give anything to have a child of my own and to be able to take care of it. To have someone call my mommy and love me unconditionally just because I am there and I take care of them. It kills me that I am not pregnant yet and now it is worse. I blame myself and feel horrible. I am worrying whether we can even have kids and that is driving me insane. I pray we can and that it happens soon. I know all things happen in time, have patience, do not stress out, etc. It is much easier to say than to actually do. I have had so many people tell me these things and others tell me how easy it was for them to get pregnant. Well guess what...It is not for me. I do not want to hear how easy it was for you. That does not help me and it makes me feel worse. 

I know I am ranting and venting but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I pray that the testing gives me the results that I need and we are able to go from there and make a plan. 

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