Wednesday, January 8, 2014

New Beginnings, Old Wounds

Since my nephew was killed, my life has changed completely. (I know your tired of me blogging about it, but oh well. If you don't want to read this post, I suggest you stop now.) Every day I think of him, not one day goes by that I don't. I do not go a single day with out my memory necklace on. When my niece is over she talks about him. I see his pictures every day. He is constantly in new articles being used as a gun statistic.

With it being a New Year, I want to have a happy start and fresh start. I can't actually do that with what has happened to me. I have had a huge tragedy happen to me. My entire life has changed. People say "It wasn't your kid" Well no, but he was my nephew. He was still a part of me and my life.

Over the weekend, I had my niece and we talked about how cold it was gonna be. She asked me if it was going to be as cold as her brother was at his funeral. What do you say to that? How do you answer that question?

I have a hearing to go to coming up in a few months and I get to see what happens to the kid that did this. I have anger, hate, and disgust to that child. I can not even began to offer forgiveness. I know I should, but I can't. I do not know where to start. Where do you start with something like that? I want his family and him to understand the pain I feel, my family feels, his sister feels. At some point I hope to offer him forgiveness but at this point I am to angry and bitter to even start.  I feel really lost at times and confused but I am getting through this and working through everything. I am okay. I am not good, better or even fine. I am okay.

2014 is going to be a okay year and I am going to make a GOOD year. I have to make it what I want it. No one else can do that for me. I have been through so much since October. No one can begin to understand the grief and pain I have been through. I pray no one ever goes through this.

My pain will never be gone, it will just get numb and I will get used to it. I will always remember him, I will cherish my memories and love him forever. Love your friends and family. That is all I can ask and say.


11 comments:

  1. No words, but just wanted to say that I'm thinking and praying for you, friend! xoxo

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  2. first off you should never appologize for the way you feel about this or for writing about it, most of us will never even begin to imagine what you are going through. I will be thinking of you, I have no doubt that trail will be very painful for you.

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  3. Just want to give you a hug xxx

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  4. Praying for you, sweet girl! You're on the right track. Just take the time that you need to grieve - no one is expecting you to be fine {and if they are, they just plain suck and don't understand and/or care} and that's okay! Thinking of you and loving that you're optimistic about making this year what YOU want it!

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  5. Don't you ever ever EVER apologize for talking about your sweet nephew on YOUR blog! Girl that a terrible tragic accident and we are all here for you! To listen and help you work through it. Because unfortunately, things like this just take a lot of time to deal with and fully heal. Hang in there XOXO

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  6. I know you can make it a good year! You are a strong woman and you have a strong family!! I'm thinking of you!!

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  7. For me, personally, posts like these are why I will always keep reading your blog. It's from the heart. And this boy will forever have a place in your heart. No apologies needed for that. I always admire your honesty. You are always in my thoughts and I know that this year can be great for you because I can see that you want it so bad. You followed your heart with your awesome store, so you can certainly follow your heart with this. Let your love for your sweet nephew give you the strength. Easier said than done, but we're all here for you. <3 =)

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  8. I know you can make it a good year! You are a powerful lady and you have a powerful close relatives, I'm considering you...

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  9. I know it won't get easier for you anytime soon. I have a hunch when I get your snaps it's not you being yourself. I know a forced smile when I see one... You and your family has gone through so much and you're not expected to apologize anytime soon to that boy that did this. I hold grudges for quite awhile and there are some things that I never forgive about. You're a strong gorgeous woman who will learn to live with this loss and I know you'll use Dax's story in a positive way to encourage others. I love you to the worlds ends and have faith that you'll smile again soon. LOVE YA!

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  10. forgiveness is one of the hardest things. I'm still dealing with things that happened three years ago. When your ready for it it'll happen.

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