Thursday, November 7, 2013

Does It Get Better?


When does the point of pain and grieving let up and smiling and happiness return? Yes every day I am smiling more and more but some days I find my self sitting in my car in the garage at work and crying. I find my self talking to Dax on the car ride home. I am not crazy, just sad. When does grieving turn into a memory and just remembering the person you lost, and the pain ease up? 

I find that every night I lay in bed thinking of what I had and what I have lost. You do not realize what you have until it is gone. I am not talking about a relationship breaking up. I am talking about death. You can not get it back. It is gone. There is nothing you can do to get it back. You can only hold onto the memories you had. 

The last thing Dax ever said to me was "Hey Ho". He called me on the phone the Friday before everything happened. He called from my moms and that was the first thing I heard. I didn't have good cell service so when I called back I didn't get to talk to him. The last message from him on Facebook is this.

A year ago he sent me this.

That is all I have left. I have nothing else. I can't go hug him. I can't hear his voice. I have to focus on what I did have. I am tired of negativity and drama. I am tired of people posting sad things on Facebook and talking about how bad their lives are. You are alive, you are breathing, you can eat and laugh. Be thankful for that. Be thankful you are alive and you have your family. Cherish it. 

I am sorry if my post are sad and down but this is how I feel. I have lost something I can never get back. It does not seem real. Every day I wake up and expected Dax to read my messages I send him and he can't. I except to see him and I know I can't. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. You think you have hard things in your life, you don't. You have no idea and cannot begin to comprehend until something like this happens to you. 



9 comments:

  1. Babe I love you to the ends of the world! I love you so much I'm wanting to take the pain away! I want to create a small sense of happiness in your life. A shelter to come to when I know you need encouragement. There is nothing that will fill the void of loss, you will hurt for quite awhile. You will always miss him and question why things happened. You will always grieve. It's just how you accept it that really makes the "happy" feeling come back. I don't expect you to get over it, ever. A loss is something that will always be in your heart and you will continue to miss him. But also, focus on the happiness you can hold onto! Focus on the last thing he said to you being the most important thing, that he LOVES YOU! You meant the world to him, he was a strong and powerful kiddo who was full of life and full of jokes. Laugh at the good times. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

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  2. It's going to take a long time, but eventually you'll be able to look back with fondness. My grandmother passed away in March of 2012 and I still think about her every day. I was scrolling through my contacts the other day and realized I still had her cell and home phone saved. I couldn't bring myself to delete them even though my grandfather passed away four months after she did and now someone else is living in their house with a different phone number. I haven't even driven past her house since we cleaned it out because I'm not sure I can. It may never go away, but someday, eventually, it will get easier.

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  3. I am so terribly sorry that you are having to go through this difficult time! I am praying for you and his family that y'all may be comforted by the countless memories you have of him. I hope that you truly allow yourself the time to heal...time heals all wounds. I know it's cliche, but it's helped me in dealing with the death of loved ones, especially tragically. Just know that there are people out there that are loving on you and your family during this time and that it's okay to grieve! It's okay to be unhappy until you've truly felt his loss. I know you feel it every day, but I hope that as time goes on, you'll be able to smile when thinking back upon his life and all of the time you spent with him. Praying for brighter days for you, friend!

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  4. this gave me chills. life really is so unfair sometimes. i do believe time is the only thing that heals. so give it time and let your emotions out. that's what a blog is for. it's yours and it's the perfect place to say how you feel.

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  5. I have no words to say except I am praying for you and your family. xoxo

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  6. People say it gets better with time.. But that's not always true. Maybe your just one day closer to seeing them again. Cherish all your amazing memories with him! Those are things you'll never forget. Sending prayers!

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  7. I understand all too well what you're going through. That hollow pain takes a while to go away. You'll find one day that you haven't felt pain. And then another day you'll realize you haven't felt pain in a week. It took me several months not to feel pain frequently after my voice teacher passed away.

    Hugs friend!

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  8. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet, sweet nephew. I really hope you find peace, but I know it will not be easy. Praying for you and your family!

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss girl. In time I hope you find comfort and peace some how. It's never easy. If anyone says it is, then they clearly dont have a heart.

    I've lost a gma a year ago, and its still hard. Hell I lost my best friend 7 yrs ago this new years eve and it still isnt easy. but i know they are all watching over me and will be waiting on the other side one day. God will get your thru it. Your friends and family will as well.

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