When does the point of pain and grieving let up and smiling and happiness return? Yes every day I am smiling more and more but some days I find my self sitting in my car in the garage at work and crying. I find my self talking to Dax on the car ride home. I am not crazy, just sad. When does grieving turn into a memory and just remembering the person you lost, and the pain ease up?
I find that every night I lay in bed thinking of what I had and what I have lost. You do not realize what you have until it is gone. I am not talking about a relationship breaking up. I am talking about death. You can not get it back. It is gone. There is nothing you can do to get it back. You can only hold onto the memories you had.
The last thing Dax ever said to me was "Hey Ho". He called me on the phone the Friday before everything happened. He called from my moms and that was the first thing I heard. I didn't have good cell service so when I called back I didn't get to talk to him. The last message from him on Facebook is this.
A year ago he sent me this.
That is all I have left. I have nothing else. I can't go hug him. I can't hear his voice. I have to focus on what I did have. I am tired of negativity and drama. I am tired of people posting sad things on Facebook and talking about how bad their lives are. You are alive, you are breathing, you can eat and laugh. Be thankful for that. Be thankful you are alive and you have your family. Cherish it.
I am sorry if my post are sad and down but this is how I feel. I have lost something I can never get back. It does not seem real. Every day I wake up and expected Dax to read my messages I send him and he can't. I except to see him and I know I can't. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. You think you have hard things in your life, you don't. You have no idea and cannot begin to comprehend until something like this happens to you.